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Heartland.
Jersey-cotton pillows are
a small comfort
as I curl up on my
bus ride to Nowhere.
Everyone else seems to know where
they're headed,
and worse,
why.
They talk rapidly while
my mind mumbles through
an after-lunch haze,
of their plans, of shared joys,
anything but restlessness.
No focus to be gained,
vision clouded and soaked
by the rain.
But to see is to know,
and to know is to be certain.
No doubt, no tension,
no faith.
Faith saves, not knowledge.
Faith empowers, knowledge dwindles.
Thus, there lies a choice between
what is right, and
what is easy.
We must live by faith,
not by sight.
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That bitter, scalding-hot harshness
that drags us out of sleep
With acrid, thick, grey exhalations
that escape these callous heaps.
Short orders, long walks.
Vacant eyes, blood,
and chalk.
This city is dead, and I want out.
There is no light beyond the stars,
no natural energy.
Just caffeine spikes and nicotine fixes,
mere numbed-up fallacy.
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there's a reason i put these two together.
basically, they are a summation of the prevailing tension i have felt the last few weeks, and while i can say fairly confidently that i've found a solution, these two fairly bleak writings merit an explanation, both for you and, more importantly, for me. i've written a fair amount regarding my growing understanding of grace, but what you see here is essentially my own self-pitying examinations of my life and how i've yet to fully apply these lessons personally. i will candidly admit that i have perfectionist tendencies in my spiritual life. in short, i have not cultivated a healthy mindset that permits me to truly accept grace and still function fully in the role(s) that I have operated in within the body of Christ. essentially, I cannot seem to reconcile the two prevailing tensions between how God sees me and how my actions are truly positive while I, myself, feel inadequate both emotionally and practically.
yet in the midst of all this, the gospel is my solace, or, rather, it should be. it is quite literally the only force accessible that can pull me out of self-despair and cultivate a love for God and a love for people that is meaningful. and i have ignored it, though not intentionally.
I, for a long time, have allowed self-pity to dominate my thinking. any thoughts related to my own sinfulness, my identity, even my leadership, have been marked with this suffocating sense of wistful longing for perfection that has either driven me to rash action or, more often, pitiful grieving. and it is this obsession of sorts with my own imperfections that has at best skewed my perception of the gospel, if not blatantly pulled me away from it.
so, pray for me. pray that the Holy Spirit would cultivate in me a genuinely beautiful love for the gospel, that I might no longer spend any time counting my imperfections without connecting them to the amazing grace that i have received in Christ.
